As I sit alone...

I remember the day Tyler's adopted father called my husband. I was folding clothes when he came in. He had a weird look on his face and he asked me to sit down. He told me a strange man had called and asked if I was available. Not being one to just hand the phone call from an unidentified man to his wife, my husband said I was but asked what the nature of the call was. The man went on to explain that he didn't want to cause any issues but he believed I was his sons birth mother. I had told my husband from day one about my decision and my children always knew there was a brother out there in case something happened to me so this phone call while not expected so soon was fully expected at some point. They talked for a few minutes and then he came in to tell me. When he told me that Tyler wanted to meet us, I was in shock as he was only 14 at the time. I was probably for the first time in year absolutely speechless. Then that grief came over me again and I started crying uncontrollably. Why would he want to meet now? Was he sick? So many emotions ran through me at once but finally I composed myself and let my husband set up a meeting the following week with his parents. Tylers' mother wanted to meet me before she let us meet him which is understandable. She did not want me to come into their lives and try to take over but I am not that kind of person and she must have seen that at our meeting. It was really awkward to meet them and we exchanged pictures of Tyler and I gave them pictures of our family including his three brothers. We parted without setting up another date and I had to wait almost a month before he was ready to meet us. Finally the day came and we chose to meet at an arcade that all the boys would enjoy.
The first moment I set eyes on Tyler I wanted to run to him and hug him but I could see he was confused and uncomfortable. I talked to him and got one word answers so I stepped back and let him hang out with his brothers who he was excited to see and hit it off with them right off. I noticed little things that he did that made me laugh inside. He liked root beer, Mel Brooks, Nascar.. things that I have raised my kids on. He seemed to have our personality and looked so much like his older brother they could be twins.

Over the next few years, while I really wanted to have a relationship with Tyler I never forced myself on him. I waited for him to come to me when he was ready. He did develop a closeness with his brothers which I was grateful for. We all love Tyler and when he was ready, he was welcome to come to our home and be a part of our lives.

I waited too long though.. On May 27th, 2010, I got up early to get my youngest son ready for school. Today was his regional competition in Evansville for Discus. I flipped on the tv and made coffee as I always do. Woke Devon up and sat down with my husband to watch the news. The story overnight was of a young man killed after being struck by two semis. What a horrible story to see first off in the morning. I said a prayer for the family. The day passed normally, I had the day off and we headed to Evansville for the track meet around 3 pm. We were about 20 minutes from the track when a friend send us a strange text message. "We are sorry for the loss of your son." At first it made no sense. Then I remembered the news story that morning and at this point my life became a living hell. I because hysterical and irrational and my worst nightmare came true. Losing one of my children was always a fear for me as I love them to the point of distraction. I remember getting to the track meet and not knowing how to tell Devon. Should I let him throw or tell him? This was so important to him, I decided in my fog somehow, not to tell him until after he was finished.

No one called me from Tyler's family to tell me what really happened and to this day, I only know what was on the news. I have heard rumors of what happened before he died but no one who was there will tell me the truth. I read the note on his facebook and it broke my heart. He apologized for being a failure as a son, a boyfriend, a friend.. He was none of those things and that is why this is so hard to understand.

At his showing, his adopted family was almost surprised to see me. Why wouldn't I be there? I loved Tyler and told him so everytime I talked to him. His adopted mother pulled me aside as I was looking at pictures and told me he did this because I rejected him. Because I rejected him. Those words echo through my heart every day. I don't know what I did to make him feel that way. I would never deny him anything and he felt I rejected him.

The guilt of carrying this burden is sometimes too much for me. I have tried to talk to family and I feel like I am just rambling on and that no one is really interested in what I am feeling. I really can't go on much more like this. It is a burden to heavy to carry.

I'll put the noose around my neck
Will you get to me just in time?
I've got no reason left to live
But I've got a hundred to die- Wednesday 13

July 7, 1989

Throughout my pregnancy, I dreaded and looked forward to this day more than any other. For nine months I carried my son, felt every kick and flutter and cried every day. I so wanted to share my experiences with someone but his father decided he did not want to be with me and married someone else. I had made the decision months before to let my son go to a family who could care for him better than I could but when the day finally came... I didn't know if I could make that decision. Tyler Jacob Haase was born July 7, 1989. The doctor knew the situation and rather than have him in a birthing room, I was hidden in a back surgical room to have my son in a sterile cold room alone. I wasn't supposed to hold him but the nurse let me for a few minutes. I promised him one day I would see him again with my tears falling on his little face and that I loved him more than my words could ever express. He was such a beautiful baby. I walked out of the hospital the next day without my son and went back to my empty apartment alone. I cried every day, it was like a death at the amount of grief I felt. Saying goodbye to Tyler broke my heart and I prayed one day he would find me and I could tell him how much I truly loved him. I finally met someone who has shown me more love than I could ever imagine and we have four wonderful children but something was always missing. I told him from the beginning about Tyler and my children grew up knowing there was a piece of our family out there somewhere. Little did I know our lives would be reunited again and it was the happiest day of my life.